We are humans. As much as we don’t like to admit it, we are hot blooded, imperfect, humans that don’t always have it altogether. We have sharp edges with tons of holes and don’t really make sense most of the time and/or have the answers we’d like to have. But sometimes, life hands you this amazing and seemingly understated curve ball. It doesn’t whip you in the face like obvious life moments do such as a death, unemployment, breakups, etc. It kind of walks into your life like a normal moment, in the form of a nothing. So you treat it as such. But after some time has passed you learn that that one single moment has just shaped so many other things going forward. You are managing your life, coping with it and walking around alongside this enormous curveball and you have no idea how it got to be so much a part of you. But things happen and you try your best. Those things that you cannot control and all hell breaks loose. You are stressed, you are worried and scared. Your insecurities become blinding to you as your vulnerablity takes rapture and life seems to be spinning out of it’s whits. So what do you do? How do you handle these what seems like one after the other shit storms? How do you cope with the fact that you cannot cope anymore? But you are. You are coping, you are sorting and believe it or not, you are handling everything. It doesn’t seem like it because you are in the eye of the storm and you feel like you’re doing everything wrong.
I feel like more times than not, every decision I make, every step I take, I am just one tiny tip toe away from completely burning my life to the ground. Everytime I fall out of my routine or decide to take my journey into a place I am unfimiliar with, I am surrounded by this dark cloud of fear and insecurity. I suddenly remember all the reasons why I’m not good enough for any of it and try to weasel my way out of my own life. I cling to mediocrity as a safety net because I feel like that’s all I’m worth. How is that any way to live? I look at the things I’ve said to myself over the years and I am astonished and saddened that I’ve killed my spirit because I’ve been afraid. Afraid of failure, of heart break and just afraid of not ever being good enough for anything…good. It’s a dark place to go to but it’s been home for so much of my life that trying to let the sunshine in just burns.
I cannot control most of the things that come my way. Life has a way of making sure that everything I do, I am aware and cognizant of but everything else? That’s just icing on this very lopsided cake I’ve baked. And I know that I’ll never fall out of being lopsided either because there is something a little bit off kilter about me that doesn’t really ring with a lot of music that’s massively produced. I see an assembly line of people that are depicted in media, music and even real life that seem to all melt into each other. The lines are blurred between what’s the same and what’s slightly not the same and I can’t make distinctions between what’s real and what’s someone’s form of fantasy anymore. My head gets clunky and smushed when I try to think about all that’s out there so I try to only focus on myself. Myself, that’s a complicated web of what the fuck and I don’t know where to start. I don’t know how to crack a code that I’ve supposedly had the combination to since I was born. We are supposed to know ourselves, have a sense of who we are and what we’re made of. As I travel on life’s journey, I find little things that I love about myself and try to accept the rest. I try to feel the water that I am made of flow through me and send all of the negative agents that harbour inside of my legs, back and heart out through the top of my head and the ends of my toes. These auras of black and muddy clouds are to be recycled by the universe and sent back as other things. The negative dialogue I have on repeat in my head seems to be skipping now, sometimes blanking out completely as if to tell me that it’s no longer useful to hear. So I turn on different songs, melodies and talk to myself differently. I hear the words and syllables instead of passively accepting and it is a process, a struggle everyday to say I love you to myself and fucking mean it. But I do it. I do it because I need to feel it. To feel everything and know that I am alright. That things aren’t all bad and that even when I am worried and stressed and falling apart, all I can do is carry out the actions of what my heart tells me to do. Whether that’s drop everything and buy a plane ticket for an interview with a company I have no idea I’m going to get into or cry until my heart can’t take it anymore in the middle of my bed when no one’s around.
I love you.